The Real Refuge Manifesto
Life is hard. Heartbreak, loss, illness and disappointment are inevitable. Fortunes ebb and flow.
Waking up to this essential truth can be terrifying. I learned this firsthand in 2013 when I found out I had cancer. This forced me to reckon with my own mortality for the first time in my life. It changed everything.
When things get hard we’re faced with a choice: accept the nature of things as they are - impermanent, always-changing, unpredictable - or hide from it, deny it, resist it. False refuges abound. Distractions, intoxicants, even work, which is a virtue until it isn’t. At best, false refuges offer a fleeting solace; at worst, a lifetime of misdirected energy and suffering.
But here’s the thing. Philosophers and sages have been grappling with the immutable, irrefutable truth about the ever-changing, often capricious nature of life for millennia.
And they all seem to agree on at least one thing: accepting that we have very little control over the things that happen to us and that the best we can do is choose how we respond to those things - this is the doorway to freedom, to Real Refuge.
And what’s possible once you cross the transom into Real Refuge?
Equanimity: you can learn to thrive despite the 8 worldly winds that the Buddha said are constantly blowing through our lives: pleasure and pain, gain and loss, praise and blame, fame and ill-repute
Lovingkindness: you can choose to love with a fully open heart, even with the knowledge that what you love could be taken from you at any moment
Compassion: you will be able to recognize suffering in others and experience a heartfelt desire to relieve that suffering
Connection: you will reside in equanimity, radiate lovingkindness, and exude compassion, becoming a refuge for others that might be struggling
Resilience: the knowledge that everything is impermanent - every feeling you’ve ever felt, every thought you’ve ever had, every hurt you’ve ever experienced has arisen and faded away - will help you endure anything that comes your way
Real Refuge is not a religion and it's not therapy. I’m not a minister or a therapist. But I’m more than qualified to be your guide. And you don’t need to move to a cave in the Himalayas or a forest monastery in Thailand to find Real Refuge. It’s possible to find Real Refuge right where you are, right here and right now. This is my invitation to you.
The map to Real Refuge has been drafted over the last 25 centuries. It’s based on the teachings of the Buddha and Epictetus, Marcus Aurelius and Victor Frankl, Thich Nhat Hanh and Nelson Mandela; it includes practices, hacks, meditations and lessons for coming to terms with whatever comes your way. The map to Real Refuge has been stress-tested over centuries and has been validated, in the last few decades, by the Science of Mindfulness.
I've studied the maps; I’ve consulted with the masters. I can be your guide to developing the 8 pillars of Real Refuge:
Amor Fati: learn to love your fate, whatever happens
The Obstacle is the Way: reframe challenges as learning opportunities
Memento Mori: death is guaranteed; let this realization be the fuel for an amazing, well-lived life
Non-Attachment: life has a sometimes vexing way of unfolding just as it pleases; best to not get too attached to any one thing
Impermanence: change is the only constant; buckle up!
We are One: we’re all connected; seek to remove all obstacles to love
Discernment: learning to distinguish between what’s in your control and what isn’t is the path to freedom
Open-Heartedness: cultivate a strong yet tender heart; love without limits
In the Real Refuge Sangha, we come together as a community to practice. Though we could practice very effectively alone (and mostly will), it’s important to regularly feel each others’ presence, each other’s vibration, each others’ warmth, to remind ourselves that we’re all in this together.
Real Refuge will help you meet the challenges that will inevitably come your way head on, with mindful awareness, with curiosity, with courage, with gratitude. With a wider focus and a longer lens.
Real Refuge is possible. I can show you the way.
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